If you ever happen to find yourself in an apocalyptic situation, rules and law pretty much go out the window, but for those who need guidance, here are 10 basic rules to remember:
#1- If an alien spacecraft appears, just get the hell away from it
WE all remember the scene from Independence Day. Hundreds of excited humans gather around the alien spacecraft to welcome the benevolent outer space friends. Doors open on the bottom of the craft and a beautiful blue beam of extragalactic sunshine warms the happy earthlings. Then, the beam gets a lot warmer than they expected. What followed? Horrible, explosive, fiery, alien-fueled death. Think about it this way, if the aliens are friendly and have come to usher in a new era of advancement for humans, you’ll find out eventually. In the meantime, just head for the hills and watch from afar as every major city on the planet is blown to smithereens.
#2- If a guy/girl is kicking ass, establish a romantic connection.
It’s about a week into the apocalypse, it’s pretty clear that nothing’s going back to normal. You’ve seen your share of horrible death and heroic acts ending in painful twisted horror. BUT…there’s one person who has, time and time again, saved crying children, leaped across flaming pits, and smashed countless zombie skulls. If you want to make out alive (or at least farther than the proverbial group nerd/scientist), that should be your new boo. No apocalypse is complete without a little sexual tension, romance, and confusion about your old BF/GF. Just make sure you get to him/her first. The apocalypse sidechick/guy always gets it in the end.
#3- Whatever you do, do NOT be old.
You’ll stick around just long enough for the group to have to contemplate leaving you behind. Once everybody’s moral compasses have been set, you’re no longer needed. We now know who’s a complete jackass with no compassion for the elderly and weak. We now know who has undying love for those who can’t defend themselves. We may have even had a moment of heart warmth as you smashed a couple monsters’ heads, proving that you can still get around pretty well……But you gotta go. You’re too slow and as the action ramps up, it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to justify you keeping up with the group. So, you’ll fall behind and be eaten OR you’ll sacrifice yourself while mentioning how the young whippersnappers have so much more to live for than you.
#4- That helicopter to safety, don’t get on it.
You’ve just smashed thousands of zombie domes, run through flaming hotels, rowed boats across acid lakes (See: Dante’s Peak), and you’ve finally gotten to the destination that the random walkie-talkie told you to be at. There’s NO ONE THERE! As you battle off more zombies or the impending diarrhea of a post-apocalyptic diet, you hear something in the distance. A helicopter! As the chopper lands, you and your team run towards it. For some odd reason, the badass group leader, his girlfriend, the black guy, and the helpless weakling who always manages to survive are way behind. They’re not gonna make it to the helicopter! Well, guess what? Don’t get on that damn helicopter. As soon as it takes off, a a wayward meteor, a sneaky zombie, or a maniacal evil human is gonna take that sucker down. The rotor will spin and cut a couple heads off and then the chopper will crash in a brilliant red and yellow flame. Everybody on board: the faceless pilot, the faceless co-pilot, the faceless crew chief, and any expendable folks from your group are now dead. If you got on that chopper, YOU are now dead.
#5- Don’t be too optimistic, that person always dies.
The group is crumbling. That helicopter was the only way out of the hell that has become your hometown. People are snapping at each other and threatening to leave the group. You’re quiet. You don’t want anything bad to happen or anybody to leave so you stand up to calm everyone down. JUST SHUT THE HELL UP! As soon as you finish your beautiful speech in which you reaffirm everyone’s humanity, inspire the children, give some morality to the assholes, and invigorate the heroes… a damn zombie bites the crap out of your neck. Let Bob, the southern construction worker who recently lost his wife, handle that responsibility. The only person who is allowed to actually think you all will survive is the Badass. Everyone else has to have serious doubts about whether to keep going on or just use the last of the ammo on themselves. The optimist’s time always comes to a hilariously ironic end just to make sure everybody remembers…IT’S THE FREAKING APOCALYPSE!
#6- Curiosity REALLY kills.
We all know not to go into that dark room to see what’s making that sound. Duh! Curiosity runs deeper than that. If you have a scientist/smart person in your group, let him/her wonder what’s causing the shit-storm that you’re in. They’ll spend the entire time trying to figure it out (read: ALIVE!) until they find the solution. Anyone else who is constantly wondering what’s “really” going on will surely meet their doom. In fact, your demise may inspire the scientist to figure out the problem. They’ll have a horrific flashback of the mutant shark ripping you apart as you scream “his teeth feel GENETICALLY ALTERED!” and quickly realize that the sharks are….GENETICALLY ALTERED.
#7- If you were a criminal on your way to jail, make sure you were actually innocent.
Your prison bus crashed and the prison guards are all dead. Your lucky day, right? Unless you actually raped and killed 4 little girls back in ’92. In that case, you’re as good as dead. Karma does not take a day off, even during the apocalypse. That ass is grass and you’ll most likely die a painful, horrifying death as if there was some kind of audience watching you and cheering on your terrible fate. On the other hand, if you were set-up by a corrupt cop and wrongly imprisoned….You’re good. In fact, you’ll probably meet that cop again, but this time he’ll either be a zombie just waiting for his head to be smashed or he’ll be in the process of being eaten by a zombie waiting to have its head smashed. You’ll probably save a few innocent little girls or risk your life for the old person in the group (unnecessarily, of course, because he/she will die anyway).
#8- If you’re a Black guy, you absolutely MUST recruit another Black guy.
Let’s take a second to just confront an honest reality. If you take a break from running for your life, catch your breath, look up, and you are literally the ONLY Black guy in the group, you might as well start etching out your tombstone. For some reason, the cosmos does not appreciate diversity…so you will die. Fortunately, you get to choose your demise. If you’re an asshole with a bone to pick with the world, your death will probably be painful and will DEFINITELY be hilarious. If you’re a gentle giant with bulging muscles filled with teddy bear stuffing, you will sacrifice yourself and no one will actually ever see you die. In fact, you may reappear later on with absolutely no explanation as to how you survived your certain death. You can, of course, reduce your chances of death from 100% to 50% by quickly finding another Black guy to add to the group……… and also making sure he does all the dangerous stuff.
#9- Just kill the group’s “obvious asshole” when it all begins.
It’s begun. The world’s end is upon us and only our small band of scared but heroic humans are left to navigate this hell. But wait, one guy, for reasons no one will ever know, acts like he has a 20-foot pole directly inserted into his rectal sphincter. Every optimistic hope, he crushes. Every joke, he ruins. Every woman, he insults or attempts to sexually assault. JUST KILL THIS GUY! It’s the apocalypse, morality is out the window, the only thing keeping you from murdering your entire group in a stress-filled, maniacal rage is the fact that they still provide you with human companionship….THIS GUY DOESN’T! He doesn’t like you, you don’t like him. He’s probably actually thinking about killing you, but doesn’t because you’re such a badass. Just pull a Rick and kill the Shane.
#10- Don’t trust the government.
They probably caused it. Theyy’re probably coming to make sure it’s complete.